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> A Legendary Fall From Grace, A report by ex-Primal Times reporter Sid Snout
post Feb 24 2015, 12:43 PM
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A Legendary fall from grace

By Sid Snout

Ex-reporter for the Primal Times

The Knights of the Land waited about the Tavern for the arrival of the Lord Knight. Tradition dictates that he is the last to arrive, and no other may arrive after him. The festivities’ begin only when this has happened.

I’d already heard rumours that the Lord Knight elect was the one known as Tai, but none of this was the interesting stuff. As my account unfolds, dear reader, you will bear witness to what can only be described as a hotbed of sexual tension, racial abuse and oppression of wimminfolk! A schism forming, talk of a split and, perhaps worst of all, a failure by the Knights to help those in need.

Stoic and Godlike

The first to arrive was the Stoic and Godlike Gimpli. He cut a powerful figure, looking like he could crush walnuts between his knuckles – a paragon of masculinity further hardened by the unmistakable pattern of a logger’s shirt beneath his armour. This was a man’s man. I asked Gimpli if the new Lord Knight enjoyed his full support. Of course he said “yes”, but there was something there, so your intrepid reporter delved deeper and it turns out that Gimpli had refused to cast a vote! Can the new Lord Knight solve the Knights internal problems without the support of Gimpli?

Second-class Knights

Baron Liddia (a terrifying Necromancer from Port Mier) stated that Elves had historically been treated as “second-class Knights”. When pressed further she became quite unnecessarily aggressive, so this reporter took to discussing with other more amenable Knights, such as the Lord Unity ‘Gaudy’. Gaudy presented a very friendly disposition and when asked about the distasteful situation, with regards to the Knights apparent institutional racism where Elves are concerned, he made some comment about being an Elf himself (he’s clearly some kind of Entertainment Golem). He then wandered off for a few minutes only to appear with . . . you guessed it dear reader . . . an Elf at his side! Whereupon he muttered: “some of my best mates are Elves”. Ugly tokenism if ever I saw it.


The Mistress Seeker (Penny Summerhaven) said that she felt strongly that her fellow wimminfolk had been under-represented, marginalised and frankly treated as under-armoured objects. This reporter’s inquisitive seed fell on cold and stony ground, however. When pressed on the matter of whether her own appointment into such a lofty male-dominated position was an appeasement to keep the wimminfolk from amongst the Knights ranks quiet, she refused to comment further except to say “no comment” – and we all know what that means. A frosty lady; perhaps she should have been called Winterhaven!


Finally, the moment we had all been waiting for had come, with the arrival of the new Lord Knight and his Orc Bodyguards. I suppose they don’t like letting tribal’s in but they don’t seem to have any problem with them as hired help, eh? Unlike his predecessors, Dave the Rock and Gimpli, Tai was an unassuming, if somewhat dull-looking fellow, with very little behind the eyes (if you take my meaning) But otherwise, he came across as quite pleasant and harmless. I asked him questions about the problems within the Knights and the rumours of a split. Would the Knights abandon Legend? We even talked about the ongoing struggle of the Knights wimminfolk and the sorry plight of the Elves, to which he sadly gave a lot of very politically correct and obviously rehearsed answers.

I say ‘sadly’ because what this reporter had feared seemed to be coming true. Tai is a ‘puppet’ Lord Knight, worn like a glove by ‘Gaudy’ – the true power behind the throne.

Love triangle

As is often the case in such a close-knit group of ‘Pansexuals’ like the Knights, it will come as no surprise that, from time to time, they forge beyond the bond of brother and sisterhood, and just plain fall for each other (in the way that oft dare not speak its name). And while Love (that blessed arrangement) itself is an honourable and beautiful thing to search for; sometimes with the introduction of jealousy it becomes a twisted thing that breaks all the wrong hearts. I am sure many of you have heard the rumours of Love between Gimpli and Mistress Seeker Penny Summerhaven.

Their relationship has enjoyed a degree of anonymity (mainly because no one would ever believe it), but if anyone could warm the mistress Seeker’s frosty heart, then perhaps it would be Gimpli. I am afraid to say that this writer bore witness to a variety of sad, longing looks thrown in the direction of Gimpli. But not, as you would imagine, from the Mistress Seeker herself, but from none other than Gaudy itself! Yes, dear reader, you heard it here first!

Close family sources from within the Knights have suggested that Tai’s appointment (engineered by Gaudy) was simply to prevent the rest of the Knights from insisting that Gimpli take back the mantle.

Why would Gaudy do this, you may ask? For no other reason than because he knows (as does everyone) that Gimpli would much rather “pump in the Knights Gym” than deal with the Knights’ current state of sorry internal discord. Gaudy knows that the Mistress Seeker is only really interested in Gimpli because of his power within the Knights. Sources suggest that she has secretly has been trying to get him to take back the mantle of Lord Knight. Gaudy’s only chance to have his love for Gimpli returned is if Gimpli never again takes charge of the Knights. Turning aside from the seat of power would mean an end to interest from the frosty Mistress Seeker, leaving Gimpli free to return Gaudy’s unrequited love. The scheme would only work if someone without ‘too much upstairs’ became the Lord Knight, so that Gaudy could retain control. Insidious!

The Knights decadent fall from grace is not yet complete dear reader. There is more – and worse yet – to come!

Real heroes

This writer is sad to report the story of Alfred and John, locals from the Land of Legend. These true and stoic heroes had heard tales of the Demons attacking the rural lands there and they wanted to help. The stout-hearted locals had been trying to reach the Guv’nor, but as is often the case of those in positions of authority and power, he remained elusive and ignorant of the plight of these local heroes. The enterprising Alfred and John had the idea to try and get all the local farms to deliver 5% of the annual crop to a central store and, from there, ship it all to Halgar for free in an effort to elicit aid. These stalwart heroes weren’t even asking the Knights to fight the demons for them (although that help would surely have been needed). They were merely asking for aid in moving the foodstuffs fast enough to prevent spoiling, and thus losing any way of defeating the demons ravaging their homes and families. Alfred said “We spoke with Lord Androgynous of the Knights and he refused to help”. John commented further: “Yeah, they seemed like it was beneath them to aid us in our honourable cause”.

Oh how far the Knights have fallen! This writer cannot tell you how sad he is – not since the Primal Times was closed down (after the ‘missive-gate’ scandal where other, lesser writers scryed on private missives and traded upon the misery of others) – have I felt so low. Are there no more heroes that can be relied upon?

Fear not, dear reader, for while courage remains in the hearts of real heroes like Alfred and John of Legend, this writer for one sees a faint glimmer of hope for the future of the Empire. The Knights’ time seems all but done, but while heroes like Alfred and John draw breath then new legends will be created and, gods willing, yours truly will be there, quill in hand, to write about them.

Will Power - plot@labyrinthe.co.uk
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